Breakup Healing: If She Cheated
by Gloria Waite
What happens if your wife or girlfriend has cheated? Even if neither one of you has moved out, this is a breakup. She has broken your relationship. It will be most helpful, if you think of it that way.
You're still in a relationship: just a different one; it's a breakup relationship.
This definitely makes your situation much more complex.
There are three scenarios that can happen here.
THE IDEAL SCENARIO:
NOW, If your wife or girlfriend stops the affair-as soon as you find out about it-this is the very best case scenario. It may not feel like the best scenario....at least until you read the other two choices. This behavior says that she would rather have you if the two of you can figure out how to make it together. Treat it like a wake-up call or a last call: a second chance to save your relationship.
Although most people don't consciously decide to cheat just to get your attention, it DOES get your attention, doesn't it?
Your girl has taken ACTION. She is not just saying she is unhappy or trying to have the 'we have to talk' discussion, she has taken action. Now you know she is serious.
Men understand actions You are a man: actions matter more than words. She is now speaking your language. She has acted on her feelings.
Men typically say at this point: 'I didn't know she was THAT unhappy.' Most likely, I hate to say it, but you probably weren't listening.
If the affair has ended and you've decided to work on your relationship, some of the same ideas from the breakup plan can be used here too: Dating one another again....learning how to have fun together again...re-starting your relationship.
You will have a lot of questions that you need to ask and she needs to let you ask them. If you get stuck, it's worth going for couples' counseling to get back on track.
SCENARIO #2
If she tells you that she is unwilling to give up this other person, it's basically over. As hard as it is to hear, you need to move on with your life.
She can say that she will stop seeing the guy, but continues to see him behind your back. This news is just as bad, if not worse....because now, you really know you cannot trust her. If you allow her to 'have her cake and eat it too, you are in for some very painful times.
SCENARIO #3
She can tell you that she's not sure what she wants to do and you're left hanging. Get the heck out of there! Tell her to move out and if she decides she wants to try again with you, she should let you know.
THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT: IF she shows no remorse about cheating, she will feel free to do it again. Get the heck out of there fast.
Most often, lovers get involved in another relationship because they're getting something in that relationship that they are not getting at home. Maybe she's been telling you she's unhappy, but you really weren't listening.
EXAMPLES OF QUESTIONS YOU WILL NEED TO ASK:
You will have a lot of questions that you need to ask and she needs to let you ask them. If you get stuck, it's worth going for couples' counseling to get back on track.
An affair makes everything more complicated. You fear that you can no longer trust the person you probably counted on the most. And there are so many feelings that come flooding in: here are some of the most common:
How could you do this to me? Behind my back?
I've never had an affair; you can trust me, maybe I should go out and sleep with someone else too.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to get over this.
Why? Why did you feel you had to sleep with another man?
Do you love him?
How did it start? Where did you go? How many times? When was the last time you were together?
Was sex with him better than with me?
Does anybody else know about the affair?
How will I know that you're not sill lying to me?
How long did this go on?
Were you planning to leave me?
Does his wife know?
These are just a few of the questions. In order for you to heal, she needs to be able to listen and answer the questions truthfully, for you to begin to trust her again.
Do couples get back together and have a good relationship after one of them has cheated?
Yes, they DO and you can. Take it slowly! Step back and take time to think about what you want to do.
There is no way of knowing ahead of time if you will be able to get over this.
There are plenty of couples who do go forward and many of them move through the breakup healing stage and on to have a better relationship. There are also some, where the wronged spouse is never able to get over it and the relationship is slowly destroyed.
Gloria Waite is a an expert on love relationships, who gives no-nonsense love advice to men. Learn more about breakup healing. here. People, who know Gloria, credit her success to 25+ years of experience as psychologist and her natural gift for 'getting it' right away and coming up with practical advice and solutions.
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